Kyle Katarn Facts
by Extreme is a lifestyle
Summary: The best Kyle Katarn Facts out there, if you know anymore please put them in a review


Kyle Katarn doesn't walk: he pushes the planet away from him.

Kyle Katarn doesn't feel pain, pain feels Kyle Katarn.

When Kyle Katarn fires a blaster, there's no recoil. The universe moves forward a little.

Kyle Katarn CAN rip the ears off a Gundark, and its arms, and its legs...

Kyle Katarn can kiss a Wookiee, and the Wookiee will like it.

Super Star Destroyers were designed to fight the Moldy Crow.

The Yuuzhan Vong left their galaxy to escape Kyle Katarn...

The Hoth asteroid field is made up of rocks that Kyle found in his shoes.

Darth Malak once tried to copy Kyle's beard. We know what happened next.

When Anakin Skywalker gets mad, he turns into Darth Vader. When Darth Vader gets mad, he turns into Kyle Katarn.

There is no Sith Order. Just a list of Sith that Kyle Katarn allows to live.

Kyle Katarn died in Dark Forces 1. The grim reaper is too scared to tell him.

The Death Star was named after Kyle Katarn's right testicle

The Second Death Star was named after his left testicle

Kyle Katarn is referenced only once in the Star Wars Saga - when Palpatine fries Mace Windu with lightning.

Why did Vegere cross the road? She didn't, Kyle Katarn killed her.

Hyperspace exists because it's afraid to be in the same reality as Kyle Katarn

The Death Star laser was based on a schematic of Kyle Katarn's lightsaber

The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of Kyle Katarn

Kyle Katarn is a higher level than G-Canon

There is no chin behind Kyle Katarn's beard, just another Bryar Pistol.

Kyle Katarn's so tough he could've taken on the Emperor and Vader himself, but he was too busy rebuilding Alderaan by hand.

Mustafar looks like it does because it's people once ticked Kyle off.

Utapau is full of holes for the same reason

There is no Dark side. Only stuff that Kyle doesn't believe in.

There are only two names with which you may address Kyle Katarn: Kyle, and Sir.

When Grand Moff Tarkin proclaimed that the Death Star was the ultimate power in the galaxy, it was because he had never heard of Kyle Katarn.

Kyle's so tough that when he climbs rocks he's not going up, he's pulling them down.

Kyle's so tough that when he gives the evil eye he can breach the fabric of time and space.

Palpatine built The Death Star because he couldn't get Kyle to work for him.

When Kyle Katarn does a push-up, he's pushing the planet away from him.

Anakin had so many Midi-chlorians because a time-traveling Kyle was his father.

Ewoks are just leftovers from when Kyle Katarn shaves his beard.

Chiss scientists created Alpha Red by synthesizing Kyle's urine.

Kyle Katarn never writes in his datapads; the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Some people whine and cry after slaughtering a camp of Tusken Raiders. Kyle Katarn calls it target practice.

The Death Star was not supposed to have any weakness since Kyle Katarn was supposed to stand inside the exhaust shaft.

Kyle Katarn visited the baby Obi-Wan Kenobi and gave him the gift of beard.

Kyle Katarn once shot a Star Destroyer down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Kyle gave his soul to Darth Sidious for his rugged good looks and unparalleled combat skills. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Kyle shot Sidious in the face with his Bryar Pistol and took his soul back.

If you can see Kyle Katarn, he can see you. If you can't see Kyle Katarn, you may be only seconds away from death.

Kyle Katarn once lightsabered someone so hard that his blade broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Darth Bane while he was training Darth Zannah.

If you ask Kyle Katarn what time it is, he always looks at his chrono and says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he shoots you in the face with his Bryar Pistol.

Kyle Katarn lost his virginity before his father.

Since around 22 BBY, when Kyle Katarn is believed to have been born, Bryar Pistol-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled beings. Only beings who have met Kyle Katarn.

Kyle Katarn is currently suing Del Rey, claiming "Legacy" and "The Force" are trademarked names for his lightsaber and Bryar Pistol.

It was once believed that Kyle Katarn actually lost a fight to a Yuuzhan Vong, but that is a lie, created by Kyle Katarn himself to lure more Yuuzhan Vong to him. Yuuzhan Vong never were very smart.

Kyle Katarn won at Dejarik without ever moving a piece. He simply ripped the arm off of the Wookiee that was playing against him.

Kyle is Zonama Sekot's father.

In Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast players may see a screen that says "Game Over Kyle Katarn Has Died" This, however is a typo. It was supposed to say "Game Over Kyle Katarn Is Bored"

The Yuuzhan Vong took Coruscant and won the first half of the war because Kyle was sleeping. No one was brave enough to wake him up.

Kyle Katarn doesn't need to Flow Walk, he just scares space/time.

The Sun Crusher's missiles were so powerful because they contained a glob of Kyle's spit.

Tattooine wasn't always a desert. But one day Kyle got thirsty...

Grand Admiral Thrawn was one of Kyle Katarn's greatest students.

Kyle Katarn takes his baths in a carbon-freezing chamber.

Kyle Katarn once tried to use a lightsaber to trim his beard. Naturally, the lightsaber couldn't cut his beard. He then mined his stubble and cortosis was born.

Kyle roundhouse kicked the statue of Palpatine down on Coruscant because it blocked Kyle's view of the Jedi Temple.

Kyle Katarn enjoys reading Popular Gardening magazine. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

Kyle Katarn once made the Kessel run in less than ten parsecs. When someone mentioned that parsecs had nothing to do with speed, Katarn sabered them for their ignorance. After all, he's Katarn.

Katarn only needs a ship to carry his multitude of Twi'lek dancers.

Kyle Katarn is fluent in over 8 million forms of communication.

Dark Forces was released in the GFFA as an historic account of events. Players complained there was a glitch that anytime they pressed a button, Katarn would slag away anything on the screen. When Katarn was informed of the mistake he said, "That's no glitch..."

Ganner and Kol Skywalker stole the line "None shall pass" from Kyle Katarn when an aqualish thug tried to butt in front of him in line.

Kyle Katarn's favorite snacks are jawas.

When Obi-wan told Luke that "Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise..." Kyle got so mad that he reduced aunt Beru and uncle Owen to skeletons with a pocket shiv, just to prove the point. 

There are no force sensitives - only people Kyle Katarn breathed on.

Anakin Skywalker was conceived when the dust of Tantooine made Kyle Katarn sneeze.

Kyle Katarn can win a game of connect four in only three moves.

Contrary to popular belief the GFFA is not a democracy, it is a Katarnatorship.

Kyle Katarn grinds his own caf with is teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Some people wear Darth Vader pajamas. Darth Vader wears Katarn pajamas.

The original draft of Lord of the Rings featured Kyle Katarn instead of Frodo Baggins.  
>It was only 5 pages long as Kyle Katarn kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.<p>

A single hair plucked from Katarn's beard is enough to allow him to spear through Mandalorian armor.

There's an order to the universe: Space, Time, Kyle Katarn...Just kidding, Kyle Katarn is first.

Kyle Katarn puts the "laughter" is manslaughter.

Force ghosts are actually caused by Kyle Katarn killing people faster than death can process them.

Kyle Katarn never reads menus when eating at a restaurant. Whatever he orders, they better make it.

Kyle Katarn can cast a shadow in the dark.

Kyle Katarn recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Hot Chocolate.

Kyle Katarn can no longer see himself in the mirror because the first time he did, he killed his own reflection.

There's only one way to skin a stormtrooper because Kyle Katarn has a patent on the other 1138.

Kyle Katarn once ripped a rancor in half just to see who it had for lunch.

Kyle Katarn killed Dumbledore.

Kyle gave up the Force because he didn't need it.

Kyle Katarn doesn't dodge lasers. He scares them away.

The only reason the Dark troopers dared to shoot at Kyle Katarn is because they mistook him for someone else. 

Kyle Katarn shot first

Luke's torpedo destroyed the Death Star because Kyle Katarn wanted it to.

Kyle Katarn cummed on a Temple Training Droid while shagging Jan, that droid became the Death Star.

Kyle Katarn had sex with a Lannik, the child is known to many as Yoda.

Younglings look under their bed for Darth Maul, Darth Maul looks under his bed for Kyle Katarn.

Kyle Katarn is so tough that the very thought of him wiped out all the Jedi and Sith on Ruusaan.

Kyle has two ways of entering a room. One is to kick the door down and kill everything inside. The other is to let the room come to him. And it will.

"Taral" is ancient Sith for "Will be whipped by Kyle Katarn"

Kyle Katarn once visited the "Cloak of the Sith" region. It is now the "Cloak" region.

Kyle Katarn's first lightsaber worked underwater. Not because Rahn built it that way, but because it was too damn scared not to.

Ever wonder why Jason Court didn't make a return appearance? Because _**NOBODY**_ plays Kyle Katarn 

Kyle Katarn's beard has the death sentence in twelve systems.

Kyle's beard _is_ the death sentence in _twenty_ systems

Alpha-Red was not a bacteria or virus capable of killing off the Vong and all of their biots...it was the Code word for the Jedi finally unleashing Kyle Katarn on the invaders! 

Mace could have survived falling out the window, but unfortunately he landed on Kyle's beard

Zeltrons would fall for Kyle Katarn

From any "certain point of view", Kyle Katarn will mess you up.

Kyle Katarn is The Force's revenge for Order 66 

Kyle shot. First, last, second... It doesn't matter. You're dead. 

Behind every great man is a good woman. Behind every good woman is Kyle Katarn 

You know why Kyle and Jan have never had kids? Because no one who fucks with Kyle Katarn lives. No one.

Kyle Katarn is allergic to Bacta. Not that its ever come up 

Obi Wan: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine. Vader: You mean you become Kyle Katarn? Obi: Well, no, I wouldn't go that far...  
>Kyle Katarn once met Yoda. He put a collar on him and took him for a walk.<p>

The Dark Side ending of Jedi Knight isn't non-canon because LFL has a policy of making Dark Side endings non-canon. It's non-canon because they realized the story was over because no other good guy is badass enough to take out Dark Side Kyle.

ROTS is lying, the real reason Vader is in the suit is because he picked a fight with 3-year-old Kyle, and Kyle was feeling generous that day.

Think of a beautiful woman. Kyle Katarn did her.

Kyle Katarn's shoulder pad is greater than The Hat. 

Kyle Katarn's killed five of the Emperor's clones with his sharp wit alone. 

Kyle Katarn once holorecorded himself making sweet love to my wife, and then made me watch it! I cried my eyes out, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 

Kyle Katarn did not steal the Death Star plans. They turned themselves in out of fear. 

Kyle Katarn takes his baths in a carbon-freezing chamber. 

Kyle roundhouse kicked the statue of Palpatine down on Coruscant because it blocked Kyle's view of the Jedi Temple.

Only a Sith deals in absolutes:- getting absolutely fucked by Kyle Katarn. 

Kyle Katarn drinks a special shake every morning for breakfast, the ingredients of which include blue milk, hot chocolate, a sprinkle of Anakin Skywalker's cremated remains (the armour anyway), and two fetuses. He says the fetuses make it extra creamy. 

Kyle Katarn is like the Ring. Once you see him, you are already dead.

Kyle Katarn opened the blast doors

You know why the Republic only needed three million clones? They had Kyle Katarn 

Q: Who're better, the Mandalorians or the Jedi? A: It doesn't matter, Kyle Katarn can kill both of them. 

Mandalorian iron is made by melting down Kyle Katarn's toenail clippings.

Kyle Katarn eats baradium and shits thermal detonators.

Kyle's shield is not for keeping weapons out. It's for keeping Kyle IN.

Kyle Katarn made the Kessel Run in less than one Parsec...on foot.

Kyle Katarn keeps the Galaxy Gun in a spare holster. It's behind the Bryar. 

Darth Bane made the Rule of Two: 1) There will always be one Master and one Apprentice. 2) Both will fear Kyle Katarn. 

It doesn't matter who Darth Krayt is. What matters is that he's running from Kyle Katarn. 

Kyle chews vornskrs for breakfast. 

The Yuuzhan Vong were cut off the force so that they wouldn't die from looking at Kyle Katarn.

Kyle Katarn only entered into "reciprocal apprenticeship" with Mara Jade because he thought it was a sexual position. Not long after, so did she.

There are no Unknown Regions. Just places Kyle doesn't want you to know about

What do you get when you cross Kyle Katarn and Luke Skywalker? A dead farmboy. _No man crosses Kyle Katarn. _

Kyle Katarn doesn't "sweat." He "produces midichlorians."

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Kyle Katarn spared your life.

On a high school math test, Kyle Katarn put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Kyle Katarn solves all his problems with Violence.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Kyle Katarn Disease."

Kyle Katarn's tears are the purest and most powerful form of bacta in the galaxy. Too bad he never cries.

Kyle Katarn invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Corran Horn invented pink.

Evolution gave the Trandoshans the gift of limb-regeneration, because Kyle Katarn once lived on Trandosha.

Kyle Katarn named the group The Modal Nodes. They did not want to be called that.

The Sun Crusher was originally concieved as a humane alternative to Kyle Katarn.

When Kyle Katarn overheard Obi-Wan speak the words, "Only Imperial storm troopers are so precise," he laughed so hard that Alderaan exploded.

He then personally rebuilt Alderaan by hand, just to prove that the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of Kyle Katarn.

In the beginning there was nothing, then Kyle Katarn Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job." That is the story of the universe.


End file.
